How to Support Your Wife Through Surrogacy: A Guide for Men Behind the Scenes

03 Jun How to Support Your Wife Through Surrogacy: A Guide for Men Behind the Scenes

So your wife is becoming a surrogate. First off— you should be proud of your wife, but also of yourself. It takes an incredible kind of strength, empathy, and heart to carry a child for someone else. And while she’s doing the heavy lifting (literally), your support can make all the difference in how this journey unfolds for both of you. 

Surrogacy isn’t just her story—it’s yours too. Here’s how to be the rock she needs, the calm in the storm, and the steady partner in a wild but beautiful ride. 

1. Learn the Landscape 

You don’t need to become a surrogacy expert overnight, but knowing the basics will help you show up in meaningful ways. What’s the timeline? What’s involved medically and legally? What clinic are the intended parents using? Having context makes it easier to understand what she’s experiencing—and anticipate when she might need extra TLC. 

Pro tip: If she’s going through injections, protocols, or hormone treatments, know the schedule. Even better? Set reminders and offer to help prep or administer shots (with her permission). It’s a small gesture that speaks volumes. 

2. Normalize Her Feelings—Even the Big, Messy Ones 

Surrogacy is a layered emotional experience. She might feel proud and purposeful one day, then exhausted, frustrated, or anxious the next. That’s normal. Let her feel what she feels without trying to fix it. 

Be her safe place. Listen without jumping into problem-solving mode. Sometimes, a “That sounds really hard. I’m proud of you,” is worth more than any advice. There will be a lot of things in surrogacy that you can’t change–you won’t be able to make the medications work, or the transfer be successful; you won’t be able to speed up an attorney review or make the relationship with the IPs perfect. But you can validate her feelings, and let her know that you’ll get through it together. 

3. Stay Intimately Connected (Yes, That Way Too) 

One common concern for couples during surrogacy is intimacy—physical and emotional. Between hormones, appointments, and the fact that she’s carrying someone else’s baby, things can feel… different. But connection is still as important as ever.

Be open, be affectionate, and talk about what feels good for both of you. Intimacy might shift, but it doesn’t have to disappear. Staying close reminds her that while she’s doing this for someone else, your relationship is still her home base, and will still be as solid as it was once surrogacy has ended. 

4. Be Her Advocate 

Sometimes she might not have the energy or clarity to speak up for herself—whether it’s with doctors, family, or even the intended parents. That’s where you come in. Be ready to ask the tough questions, reinforce boundaries, or just offer backup when she’s too drained to manage the emotional labor alone. 

And remember: your voice matters too. If you have feelings or concerns, it’s okay to express them. Being honest and united as a team helps everyone involved. Whether it’s in the match call, the contract draft, or the delivery room, having her back and being on the same team will make all the difference. 

5. Share the Joy, Not Just the Weight 

Yes, this can be hard, but it can also be beautiful. You’re part of helping create a family—that’s kind of amazing. Celebrate the milestones together: the heartbeat appointments, the little kicks, the look on the intended parents’ faces when they hear “it’s a girl!” You’re allowed to feel joy. You’re allowed to be proud. And sometimes it will be hard for her to focus on that joy and pride on her own so when she gets bogged down in the frustrations or setbacks or aches and pains, remind her of what an amazing woman she is, and what a miracle she’s helping someone else create. 

6. Plan for the Postpartum 

Even though the baby won’t be coming home with you, your wife’s body and emotions will go through all the same postpartum shifts. Don’t overlook that. She’ll still need rest, care, and yes, possibly a lot of snacks and tissues. 

Be extra gentle. Help set boundaries around visitors. Keep her nourished and affirmed. Let her rest knowing you’ve got things covered. Housework, errands, and adult responsibilities will all exist, and it’s likely she’ll feel even more compelled to do it all than usual since she’s not caring for a baby. Remind her that whether or not she’s losing sleep with a newborn, her body has still gone through something major and intense, and taking care of herself is her number one priority.

Final Thoughts 

Being the partner of a surrogate means being the quiet anchor in someone else’s miracle. You won’t be on the birth certificate, and you won’t get the thank-you cards, but you’re one of the most important pieces in the surrogacy process. There’s a reason surrogates have to name their support system over and over again–because without it, without you, the weight can quickly become overwhelming. After it’s over, your daily life will look like nothing has ever shifted, but you’ll know you helped build something life-changing—for a family who dreamed of this day, and for the incredible woman you get to call your wife. 

Support her. Be proud of her. And don’t forget to be proud of you, too.