Surrogacy Etiquette: Navigating Conversations and Relationships

Surrogacy Etiquette: Navigating Conversations and Relationships

What is the best way to talk to your surrogate? How often should you talk? How will you discuss different topics or scenarios? Should you go visit her, if so how often? 


Navigating through your surrogacy journey can be complicated. You want to be respectful of your surrogate and her family, but also want to know what’s going on with your baby. Unfortunately, there isn’t a book on Surrogacy Etiquette, simply because every person is different, and every relationship is different. In an effort to assist with this topic, we have compiled a list of suggestions to help navigate conversations and your relationship with your surrogate. 


  1. Create Expectations

Before you match with a surrogate, decide what your expectations are. Do you want to be close and communicate a lot, or would you prefer a more limited amount of contact. You might not know this answer until you begin your journey, or you may feel one way and change your mind. You don’t need a definitive answer before you start, but it’s good to at least start a conversation to see how you feel initially. 


  1. Set up boundaries

Discuss boundaries with your partner, and then with your surrogate. Maybe there are certain topics you don’t want to discuss or milestones that are extra important to you. It’s important to know what your surrogate’s boundaries are as well. Maybe they prefer you to reach out during certain days and/or times. Having conversations of what your boundaries are will help eliminate any awkwardness or uncertainty.  Remember, they also have a family and a life they are navigating, so you want to make sure you both are on the same page


  1. Learn to be flexible

Easier said than done, but learning to be flexible will go a long way. Setting up boundaries and expectations is important, but as everyone in the fertility world knows, sometimes things don’t work out the way we expected. Being flexible doesn’t mean being nonchalant, it just means you can be open to something not going the way you planned. Whether it’s a doctor appointment or changing up the birth plan, things will change from your original plans. Being open, honest, and willing to compromise with your surrogate will support a smooth journey for both of you.


  1. Feel it out

Just like any relationship, you never know what to expect until you are fully encompassed by it. You and your surrogate may click better than you expected, or you may find a different way to connect than you originally planned. Before you create any expectations, take time to feel out the relationship and really get to know what works for each of you. Try to find things you have in common and best ways to communicate with each other.


The key to a successful relationship is open communication, honesty, and respect. As long as you stick to those three components, you and your surrogate can build a strong and positive relationship. If you’re ever unsure about something, please reach out to us. We are happy to help!

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